They are among us

“He is Chance,” a voice beside me remarked.

We stood in a crowd of witnesses, the preferred self-designation of gawkers.

“That’s not his name,” I said, not looking in the direction of my fellow witness.

“I did not speak of names. Call him anything you wish. He is Chance,” the speaker said calmly.

The trapdoor flew open. The rope jerked, and snapped apart. The gawkers gathered around the scaffold groaned.

“That’s two,” I breathed. “One more, and he walks.”

“Really? What are the odds?” another witness asked.

“Not what. Who.” the voice remarked.

The trapdoor flew open.

Aristocrats

Contrary to rumours, I no longer consider Freud to be my therapist. The man is very bright and all, but… he just doesn’t GET ME, you know?

So, I’m between therapists, in a strictly uninvolved platonic sort of way, not in a fun dirty sort of way. So, I spend a lot of time talking to myself. More than usual, I mean.

“Do you know what your problem is? You think that you should be an aristocrat. You are a complete, total energy pig.”

“Yes, but at least I’d be an entertaining aristocrat. Not like this current lot, with their reality shows and awful music albums and utter lack of talent and imagination. Unlike them, I would take the position seriously.”

“Do tell.”

“Indeed, it is the sacred responsibility of the aristocrats to be entertaining hedonists.”

“You mean, like the joke?”

“No, I don’t mean like the joke. An aristocrat should inspire humour and goodwill, not revulsion. Today’s aristocrats are revolting, inane, or simply insignificant. I, on the other hand, know how the role should be played. It is about performing a service to the world while maintaining a fine balance between dignity and self-effacing wit, trying all the while to uncover small pearls of wisdom through the methodology of extravagance.”

“Wait. What you’ve just described could also be said of a Jester.”

“Well, there you are then!”

Christ, how I prattle on.

The Automat

There is a place of calm, a place of order in the Courts of Chaos: the Automat. I will tell you what I know about it.

There are three elevators that will take you to the Automat. As you exit one of the elevators, you enter a rectangular atrium of sorts. The restrooms are located here, the mens’ room to the left, the ladies’ room to the right. There is a skylight, and there are some thriving potted plants. There is a courtesy phone, and there are a couple of benches for people who are waiting to meet someone before proceeding inside.

Keep moving forward down a short hall, and you will see the cashier’s kiosk. The cashier is an older, white haired man in a navy blue service uniform. His name is Phil. He will exchange your paper money for the tokens used in the Automat. He will also buy back tokens you wish to surrender before leaving, as they do not work in any other device, and so are otherwise valueless.

Turn to your left, and walk to the tray station. Clean trays are stacked on a counter, along with napkins, plastic cutlery, and single servings of most common condiments. Turn back to your right, so that you are facing the “north” end of the Automat.

Here is what you see:

On the west wall, are 254 small doors. Each door has a glass window in it, and each door has a metal plate inset next to it. The metal plate has a token slot, and a small steel knob.

Behind each door, is a food item. There is something of a structure to the food items and the doors. For example, the salads are all grouped together in one section, as are the sandwiches. There are doors equipped with heat elements, behind which hot foods can be found. The doors furthest from the tray station contain dessert items.

It’s like this: you insert a token into the desired item’s door slot, and you give the metal knob a clockwise twist. The door pops open, so that you can extract the food behind it. Then, you shut the door so that the latch snaps closed. Most of the patrons follow the protocol, but once an hour, Phil makes a brief migration from his kiosk to walk along the wall and shut any doors which have been left ajar.

The north wall is lined with beverage vending machines. These vending machines do not produce cans and bottles. Beverages are fastidiously sprayed into paper cups from the machine’s inner nozzle; the machine produces both the cup and the beverage as part of it’s operation. A surprising number of hot and cold beverages are available from the myriad of machines along the wall.

In the northwest corner of the Automat, there is a tray bussing station. It consists of a conveyor belt that patrons place their used trays on. The conveyor belt pulls the trays through a flanged rubber curtain, into the Automat’s inner sanctum.

There are tables and chairs. There are booths. There are counters with tall stools. You can eat alone, or you can join a group of twenty without feeling inappropriate.

The east wall consists almost entirely of large plate glass windows. The windows offer a view of a busy downtown street, with men in suits and hats, and women in dresses and hats, and boys and girls on bicycles. There are cars, but there is no discernible traffic noise. The cars cruise past like silent sharks, and the buses drift past like humpback whales filled with any number of symbolic Jonahs in their bellies. There is no sound from the outside whatsoever.

The Automat offers its patrons the ability to exchange energy for energy, without the dread monotonous drone of negotiation.

That isn’t to say that deals are not struck in the Automat. They are, of every type, of momentous and trivial importance. But, that is not the Automat’s purpose. It exists to nourish those who need a place of order, if only for a brief time, to sustain themselves before stepping back into the fray.

Lumbarbells

I spun tunes for a friends’ wedding this weekend, which meant moving several rather heavy objects. My lower back, which is not in particularly good shape, was giving me grief when I got home at 2:00 AM. I lay flat on the floor, and spent a lot of time groaning.

My good buddy ibuprofen eventually came to the rescue, and I was able to sleep without flinching. Mysteriously, I woke up in remarkably good shape. Not pain-free, but able to move about without invoking the name of any Norse deities.

Later in the day, I was having a cup of coffee in the Courts with William S. Burroughs.

“The opiates are remarkably effective at quelling pain,” he told me. I looked at his lit cigarette with a degree of nostalgic longing.

“For awhile,” I remarked.

Burroughs nodded. “It’s true. H is the cure that you eventually need to take the cure for.”

“I don’t drink or take recreational drugs anymore,” I told him. “All I have is my rage, and Paxil.”

“Don’t forget caffeine,” he said, pointing at my coffee cup.

“I never do,” I replied.

Back from the grave, and Jonah Hex

Howdy. Been away for awhile, doing those things you do to keep the heat on and food in the fridge. Summer is upon us, and I’m hopping like a toad in a saucepan. Will be around a little more often for the next spell.

And, here’s what I told a friend about Jonah Hex which I saw on its opening weekend:

Jonah Hex is a very average movie. It’s not great, and it’s not
terrible. Josh Brolin is fine, Megan Fox all sweaty in a corset is
fine, John Malkovich and Aidan Quinn as the scenery-chewing villains
are fine. But…

I liked the original comic series because it was a western set inside
a Goya painting. It was lurid, and gaudy, and spooky. The movie
captures a little of this; Hex’s ability to speak to the dead is well
done, and his back story is told in a series of grim flashbacks. But,
for the most part, it’s a tepid, pale shade of the source material,
mixed with a too-healthy dose of “Wild Wild West” for the ridiculous
weapons and explosion value. You walk out at the end kind of shrugging
your shoulders and going, “Meh.”

Sam Raimi could have hit this one out of the park. Michael Bay would
have made it much worse. It ends up being somewhere in the middle, an
okay time-killer that could have been better, or a total dog.

There you go. Your mileage may vary.

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THE STORY SO FAR...

A.J. Axline is a certified Jester in the Courts of Chaos. From the hallowed halls of the Courts, he strives to affect change, and donuts. This, is his story.

Not this box, specifically. This is more of a synopsis or foreword.